Part Three: Bearly There

Below is the full transcript for the second episode of It Came From the Parking Lot. For a downloadable Google Doc version, please click here.

BEATRICE

Woe is I, the future ruler of the world reduced to a mere head 

in a dumpster.

SFX: The bear grumbles. 

GEORGE

There goes my man, off to save a headless dolt. 

SFX: Screen door opening and closing as a nude GRIFFIN walks outside.

CHARLOTTE

Body-less.

GEORGE

Of course, excuse me. 

BEATRICE 

(through clenched teeth) This is beyond humiliating. 

CHARLOTTE

Looks like he’s found a stick to fish out Bea.

DRACULA

Excellent, now they just have to get back inside unnoticed.

MUMMY

You there, bear! Now you witness my true power of levitation!

I lay upon thee the Mummy’s Curse that shall follow your 

bloodline for all eternity! 

SFX: The bear reacts neutrally to BEATRICE’s yelling. 

GEORGE

For once in your life let it the fuck go, Bea. 

SFX: Bear noise. 

MUMMY

You’ll rue the day you dare attack Her Future Royal Highness

Beatrice the Fourth!

SFX: The screen door opens and closes.  

CHARLOTTE

At least Bea got in a good psy-op on a bear.

MUMMY

Thank you, I thought it was a nice touch.

GEORGE

So, to take stock of the situation: we’re down a mummy.

MUMMY

Most of one. 

GEORGE

Griffin would you put her over on the catering table and

get dressed?

GRIFFIN

Not many times you get to say that huh? 

GEORGE laughs, butt-smack SFX plays. 

CHARLOTTE

How do you even know where his ass is?

GEORGE

Practice. 

MUMMY

How dare you? I’m part of the team! This won’t be the last

you hear of Her Royal Highness!

GEORGE

So we’re down a mummy, I’m just a dude tonight, Drac got 

sucker-punched through a window-

DRACULA

Thankfully the cape protected my cardigan. 

CHARLOTTE

(matter-of-factly) Told you the combo works. 

GEORGE

Adam’s out. 

ADAM

Why would you assume I’m incapable of handling a

bear single-handedly?

GEORGE

I’d think you, the person held together with staples in some

places, would want to avoid getting Bear’d 

ADAM

I’m not saying I disagree with your assessment, I just 

wanted to hear the reasoning. 

GEORGE

Charlotte?

CHARLOTTE

What do you expect me to pull a wand out of this bag

and whisper some shit in Latin that’ll delete a bear?

DRACULA

We would settle for a potion or draught of some kind, 

honestly. 

CHARLOTTE

Now what kind of person would just have incredibly toxic 

spell ingredients just in their messenger bag while at a 

party where anything could happ- I’m just kidding I got all

kinds of options here baybeeeee. 

SFX: Charlotte shakes a bag of vials. 

CHARLOTTE

Never leave home without the good stuff.  

SFX: Forlorn instrumental music fades in as Dracula waxes fondly of the past. 

DRACULA

Excellent! A good old-fashioned poisoning! Just like the 

old days when you could change the face of Europe with

the wrong words whispered to the right person, or a capsule

of cyanide slipped into a cup of tea. 

ADAM

You really went hard back then. 

DRACULA

I miss it, sometimes, evil-doing is just so… boring now. 

GEORGE

It’s like there’s no… prestige to anything anymore.

DRACULA

Exactly! Back in the day you plotted to kill someone, you did

it, then you either succeeded or failed and had to suffer the 

consequences. Now common humans do more evil in one 

year than I could do in the 20th century while suffering no 

consequences because it’s all ongoing. 

There’s no big finale. The pitchfork mobs can’t be a threat 

anymore because they’re all trapped driving fast food to the 

villains to pay rent. 

ADAM

So that’s it. 

DRACULA

What?

ADAM

You’ve been down for a long time, friend. 

DRACULA

(defensive) I have not.

GEORGE

Adam’s right.

GRIFFIN

They put out more weenies and yes Adam’s right.

CHARLOTTE

You’ve been out of it. 

MUMMY

What’s that? Is the Count finally coming to terms with

his feelings of inadequacy and restlessness? 

DRACULA

Well… I did not expect this evening to… develop. 

CHARLOTTE

We can’t fix things on the macro scale, but we can change

it on the micro. I present to you: this. 

GEORGE

Poison?

CHARLOTTE

I’d die of boredom, no. A draught to explode the bear.

GRIFFIN

Oh hell yes!

ADAM

That’s a bit dramatic-

DRACULA

I love it!

CHARLOTTE

We just have to lace something a bear would eat.

DRACULA

Go, raid the kitchen, whatever you need is yours. 

GEORGE

Anyone else seeing those red eyes out in the forest?

GRIFFIN

Oh my god, the bear brought backup!

DRACULA

(sigh) No, that’s Mothman.

ADAM

Long way from Virginia…

DRACULA

Indeed. 

GEORGE

Does he have any creature-influence powers?

DRACULA

He deals mostly in premonitions and omens. 

GRIFFIN

So we’re doomed.

DRACULA

Doomed to an awkward evening at least.

ADAM

You didn’t invite him, did you?

DRACULA sighs. 

DRACULA

It’s tricky organizing events when potential guests are

known to precede tragic events. Do his visions cause bad 

luck or is Mothman a savior warning people before bad 

things happen? It’s a real chicken-or-egg situation.

ADAM

It’s only polite.

DRACULA

Perhaps the party itself is cursed…

ADAM
Maybe we could play it off as if this was a spontaneous

get-together. An organic event that sort of happened.

DRACULA

Two fatal flaws to that proposition: one, I booked this cabin a

month in advance. Two: he can see the future. Either he’s 

acting as a portent of doom or…

GEORGE

Or he’s on his way to have some fun in the gloom.

ADAM

I’m sorry?

CHARLOTTE

The internet really changed the game for monster-horny folk.

More people can find the dangerous thing that gets them 

revved up and cryptids are the hot commodity right now. 

Moth-boy out there’s at the top of the monster-boning pyramid.

DRACULA

(“hmms” in agreement) The sexual appetites of monster 

groupies are a fickle force that can change on a dime. 

You remember the 1930s, Adam. We were on top of the

world in that department. 

ADAM

(sheepishly) Well, yeah. 

DRACULA

It’s 1930 right now for our fuzzy compatriot out there. 

GRIFFIN

So what you’re saying is either we’re screwed or he’s about

to be. 

DRACULA

Or both, he could be dropping prophecy on his way to a 

polyamorous love-in the likes of which  would make Caligula 

himself blush. 

SFX: Wings flap and tree branches shake as Mothman takes flight.

GEORGE
(with reverence) Look at the ass on that guy…

GRIFFIN

I can’t look away…

DRACULA

(wistfully) Enjoy the ride while it lasts, my lepidopteric friend.

CHARLOTTE

Anyway… the deed is done. I’ve drugged this bear-sized 

slice of lasagna.

GEORGE
Oh, I’m sorry, I had no idea we were trying to murder Garfield.

CHARLOTTE

It’s the meatiest bear-mouth-sized item in the kitchen. 

DRACULA 

I would’ve preferred the optics of a large steak, or perhaps

a roast but… We work with what we have. 

CHARLOTTE

Be careful with that, I only had the components to do this 

once. It doesn’t have to eat the whole thing, but some

delicious pasta has to get in that bear to make anything 

happen.

DRACULA

This is it, comrades. It’s time to go… to the parking lot. 

GEORGE

Do you think it hates Mondays?

CHARLOTTE

So what’s the plan, run out to piss it off so it roars and you

fling the pasta-grenade into the open maw? 

DRACULA

When you phrase it like that the plan sounds silly. 

CHARLOTTE

You’re plotting to murder a bear and still hold a killer party

at the same time. 

DRACULA

Point taken. 

SFX door opening. 

DRACULA

We have a… slight problem. The bear’s gone.