Below is the full transcript for the second episode of It Came From the Parking Lot. For a downloadable Google Doc version, please click here.
GEORGE
You okay?
DRACULA
(putting on a front) haha totally fine, my man, what a wild
stunt we just pulled.
CHARLOTTE
What is this? Venice Beach in 1992?
DRACULA
You four, kitchen, now. Beatrice, you guard the window.
MUMMY
But I’ve got a request with the DJ that’ll come to fruition at
any moment!
DRACULA
Not now. Just do it
MUMMY
Very well, though only out of respect for your status as a
Count.
TRANSITION
SFX: A busy kitchen preparing food for the party.
DRACULA
You cannot tell anyone what just happened out there.
GEORGE
If you’re that protective of your ego I can think of at least
twenty movies you should’ve said no to.
DRACULA
Not that. We can’t let panic set in.
JERSEY DEVIL
Panic about what?
CHARLOTTE
About… there only being one tray of… pork rolls left.
JERSEY DEVIL
Are you saying that because I, being the Jersey Devil,
would logically be attracted to a food beloved by New
Jersey residents.
CHARLOTTE
I…
JERSEY DEVIL
Because you would be totally correct and I need to go
grab some of those delicious bastards.
DRACULA
Perhaps we should move to the storage closet.
TRANSITION
GRIFFIN
Ah, some fond memories were made in here eh babe?
CHARLOTTE
(tease) What have you two been doing in the storage closet?
GEORGE
(Nervous) Nothing.
DRACULA
Allow me, for those of us not blessed with night vision…
SFX: DRACULA pulls a chain to turn on the light multiple times.
DRACULA
Damn, the bulb is dead.
GRIFFIN
There’s supposed to be four of us in here?
DRACULA
Yes?
GRIFFIN
How come I see five pairs of eyes?
ADAM
Hi.
GRIFFIN, CHARLOTTE gasp.
GRIFFIN
(like the vine) Adam.
SFX: Charlotte’s lighter igniting.
CHARLOTTE
When the hell did you get here?
ADAM
I got lost so I found a convenient beach-themed parking space
near the playground and stood on top of the car to get my
bearings. It worked and I found the cabin, but just my luck…
the car’s stuck in the sand.
GRIFFIN
There’s a themed parking spot with sand in it?
GEORGE
Adam did you perhaps park your 1983 LeSabre in a
children’s sandbox?
ADAM
In my defense the sandbox is perfectly shaped to be
perceived as a parking space. Regardless, I decided
the best plan was to venture over and join the party via
sneaking through this unlocked window.
GEORGE
You could’ve come in the front door?
ADAM
(dry) There’s a bear in the parking lot.
DRACULA
We know. Listen, I don’t want to say this publicly as people
will start pointing claws at each other, but I had to fight hard
with the parks department just to secure the cabin this year.
GRIFFIN
But we’re so pleasant?
DRACULA
The person in charge of it all, Susie, accused us of
“destroying city property” and kept my deposit.
CHARLOTTE
Aren’t you…
DRACULA
Unfathomably, blasphemously rich? Yes. But $100 is $100.
GEORGE
But I was part of the cleanup crew last year after Creature
had one too many mudslides and ralphed on the dance floor.
CHARLOTTE
They were the creature from the brown lagoon that night.
GRIFFIN
Nice.
SFX: they high-five
DRACULA
Regardless: We have to keep things civil.
GRIFFIN
We could call animal control.
GEORGE
And be the laughing stock of town? This building is full of evil.
DRACULA
You’re right, we’re better than a bear. We just have to
dispatch it before sunup and book a contractor to replace
the window before Susie arrives at 11:00 a.m. for inspection.
GEORGE
You can get a contractor that fast?
DRACULA
Money talks, and if they don’t listen, I put them under a thrall.
I could lead with the thrall but it’s such a chore, you know.
Especially these days, I seem to have a track record of, as
the kids say, beefing it.
GRIFFIN
Wait! Why don’t you just make this Susie person your thot?
GEORGE
Thrall.
GRIFFIN
That’s what I said?
DRACULA
(Heavy sigh) I tried. I drew up all my power and said-
SFX: eerie music kicks in.
DRACULA
You want to rent this cabin to me.
GRIFFIN
I want to rent this cabin to you.
GEORGE
Please don’t hypnotise my partner.
SFX: eerie music stops.
DRACULA
There’s something about that woman, there are very few
humans who can resist my thrall yet…
CHARLOTTE
I feel like this meeting could’ve been an email.
DRACULA
Surely with such an assemblage of the darkest monsters
around we can dispatch a simple woodland creature.
SFX: Ominous music begins playing.
GEORGE
Hah. Simple. I ever tell you about Alaska?
ADAM
You specifically wouldn’t talk about your Alaska trip,
I recall.
GEORGE
Yeah… I had a good time for the most part. On my last
night I was chasing some horny teen through the woods
for a wind-down when boom. The kid runs straight into a
Grizzly. I always knew people attributed werewolf victims to
bear attacks but… that thing was a machine.
GRIFFIN
Maybe we don’t have to fight it, maybe we could make a run
for the cars!
DRACULA
(annoyed) Of course you’d say that, it can’t see you.
SFX: A record scratch interrupts the music.
GRIFFIN
Hey now-
ADAM
Drac…
CHARLOTTE
That’s a bit harsh don’t you think?
DRACULA
(catching himself) Wait, no, you’re right that’s not fair of me.
I shouldn’t have snapped at you for having a different skillset.
I’m nothing without my word and one should never belittle
their friends with that word.
GRIFFIN
I appreciate that, thank you.
DRACULA
Let us vacate this closet before Charlotte’s lighter runs out of fuel and some of us are left stumbling around like so
many Velmas.
GRIFFIN
I always fancied myself a Daphne.
CHARLOTTE
That explains a lot.
SFX: ADAM hits his head on the light fixture. A fluorescent bulb flickers to life.
ADAM
Ow, damn it.
GEORGE
Well, that’s the light fixed at least.
SFX: CHARLOTTE closes their lighter.
GRIFFIN
What the hell happened to the walls?
DRACULA
Claw marks?
GEORGE
Big claw marks…
CHARLOTTE
I think we’ve found why they kept the deposit.
DRACULA
Adam, would you mind locking the window?
SFX: Click
CHARLOTTE
Yes, good, that’ll stop a bear.
TRANSITION back to party, music playing in the background.
GEORGE
I’m not fighting it.
MUMMY
I see you’re all back from your time in the war room, have
you come to a conclusion on what to do regarding our earbay
inyay ethay arkingpay otlay
DRACULA
There’s no authorities to call. We’ll have to deal with it ourselves.
MUMMY
Look at that thing out there, biding its time.
DRACULA
Who knows what evil courses through its veins.
SFX: Neutral bear noise, dumpster rattling as it scratches its back.
MUMMY
What could its wanton, almost sensual rhythmic rubbing
against the dumpster mean? Is this beast smarter than we
give credit? A statement of intent to kill us all… in its own
time? This thing isn’t even in a hurry to kill us.
GRIFFIN
Maybe its back itches?
MUMMY
Silence, see-through man! It is time to fulfil my destiny as royalty.
Hold my black-and-orange paper plate of cocktail weenies
until my victorious return.
CHARLOTTE
Beatrice, you had yourself mummified because you found
out you were 15th in line to become Queen of England and
wanted to quote, “play the long game.”
MUMMY
I coined that phrase, as a matter of fact.
CHARLOTTE
And what place in line are you now after waiting since 1864?
MUMMY
(dismissive) 17th. Damned Germans populating like rabbits.
CHARLOTTE
Are you sure divine right to the throne is the power you want
to be calling on right now?
MUMMY
I am royalty, I can handle a woodland creature. And don’t
you dare sneak a weenie, Griffin, I counted how many I
had left.
SFX- door opening, closing.
GEORGE
Three… two… one…
MUMMY
Have at you, bear!
SFX: bear growl, punch, sound of the BEATRICE’s head bouncing into the dumpster.
CHARLOTTE
Oooooo.
GEORGE
It knocked her block off!
MUMMY
I say, it appears to have decapitated me into the dumpster.
Assistance is required!
GRIFFIN
We lost a monster, but I’ve gained seven cocktail weenies
CHARLOTTE
Can I have one of those?
DRACULA
Griffin, could you sneak out there and bring Beatrice’s
head back inside?
GRIFFIN
Hang on I have three left.
GEORGE
Fuck it I’m going to get a plate of my own.
DRACULA
I never thought having good catering would be a
hinderance until today.
SFX: DRACULA takes a bite.
DRACULA
Oh my, that’s good.
MUMMY
Assistance? Anyone? There’s a racoon in here and
it looks curious!
SFX: Curious raccoon skittering, fade into radio static.
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