Part Two: Mummyball

Below is the full transcript for the second episode of It Came From the Parking Lot. For a downloadable Google Doc version, please click here.

GEORGE

You okay?

DRACULA

(putting on a front) haha totally fine, my man, what a wild 

stunt we just pulled. 

CHARLOTTE

What is this? Venice Beach in 1992?

DRACULA

You four, kitchen, now. Beatrice, you guard the window. 

MUMMY

But I’ve got a request with the DJ that’ll come to fruition at

any moment!

DRACULA

Not now. Just do it

MUMMY

Very well, though only out of respect for your status as a

Count.

TRANSITION 


SFX: A busy kitchen preparing food for the party.

DRACULA

You cannot tell anyone what just happened out there.

GEORGE

If you’re that protective of your ego I can think of at least 

twenty movies you should’ve said no to.

DRACULA

Not that. We can’t let panic set in. 

JERSEY DEVIL

Panic about what?

CHARLOTTE

About… there only being one tray of… pork rolls left.

JERSEY DEVIL

Are you saying that because I, being the Jersey Devil, 

would logically be attracted to a food beloved by New 

Jersey residents.

CHARLOTTE

I…

JERSEY DEVIL

Because you would be totally correct and I need to go 

grab some of those delicious bastards. 

DRACULA

Perhaps we should move to the storage closet. 

TRANSITION

GRIFFIN

Ah, some fond memories were made in here eh babe?

CHARLOTTE

(tease) What have you two been doing in the storage closet?

GEORGE

(Nervous) Nothing. 

DRACULA

Allow me, for those of us not blessed with night vision…

SFX: DRACULA pulls a chain to turn on the light multiple times. 

DRACULA

Damn, the bulb is dead. 

GRIFFIN

There’s supposed to be four of us in here?

DRACULA

Yes?

GRIFFIN

How come I see five pairs of eyes?

ADAM

Hi.

GRIFFIN, CHARLOTTE gasp.

GRIFFIN

(like the vine) Adam

SFX: Charlotte’s lighter igniting. 

CHARLOTTE

When the hell did you get here?

ADAM

I got lost so I found a convenient beach-themed parking space

near the playground and stood on top of the car to get my 

bearings. It worked and I found the cabin, but just my luck…

the car’s stuck in the sand. 

GRIFFIN

There’s a themed parking spot with sand in it?  

GEORGE

Adam did you perhaps park your 1983 LeSabre in a 

children’s sandbox? 

ADAM

In my defense the sandbox is perfectly shaped to be

perceived as a parking space. Regardless, I decided

the best plan was to venture over and join the party via

sneaking through this unlocked window. 

GEORGE

You could’ve come in the front door?

ADAM

(dry) There’s a bear in the parking lot.

DRACULA

We know. Listen, I don’t want to say this publicly as people 

will start pointing claws at each other, but I had to fight hard 

with the parks department just to secure the cabin this year.

GRIFFIN

But we’re so pleasant?

DRACULA

The person in charge of it all, Susie, accused us of 

“destroying city property” and kept my deposit.

CHARLOTTE

Aren’t you…

DRACULA

Unfathomably, blasphemously rich? Yes. But $100 is $100. 

GEORGE

But I was part of the cleanup crew last year after Creature 

had one too many mudslides and ralphed on the dance floor.

CHARLOTTE

They were the creature from the brown lagoon that night.

GRIFFIN

Nice

SFX: they high-five

DRACULA

Regardless: We have to keep things civil. 

GRIFFIN

We could call animal control.

GEORGE

And be the laughing stock of town? This building is full of evil

DRACULA

You’re right, we’re better than a bear. We just have to 

dispatch it before sunup and book a contractor to replace 

the window before Susie arrives at 11:00 a.m. for inspection. 

GEORGE

You can get a contractor that fast?

DRACULA

Money talks, and if they don’t listen, I put them under a thrall. 

I could lead with the thrall but it’s such a chore, you know. 

Especially these days, I seem to have a track record of, as

the kids say, beefing it.  

GRIFFIN

Wait! Why don’t you just make this Susie person your thot?

GEORGE

Thrall.

GRIFFIN

That’s what I said?

DRACULA

(Heavy sigh) I tried. I drew up all my power and said-

SFX: eerie music kicks in. 

DRACULA

You want to rent this cabin to me.

GRIFFIN

I want to rent this cabin to you. 

GEORGE

Please don’t hypnotise my partner.

SFX: eerie music stops.

DRACULA

There’s something about that woman, there are very few 

humans who can resist my thrall yet…

CHARLOTTE

I feel like this meeting could’ve been an email. 

DRACULA

Surely with such an assemblage of the darkest monsters

around we can dispatch a simple woodland creature. 

SFX: Ominous music begins playing.

GEORGE

Hah. Simple. I ever tell you about Alaska?

ADAM

You specifically wouldn’t talk about your Alaska trip,

I recall.

GEORGE

Yeah… I had a good time for the most part. On my last

night I was chasing some horny teen through the woods

for a wind-down when boom. The kid runs straight into a 

Grizzly. I always knew people attributed werewolf victims to

bear attacks but… that thing was a machine

GRIFFIN

Maybe we don’t have to fight it, maybe we could make a run 

for the cars!

DRACULA

(annoyed) Of course you’d say that, it can’t see you. 

SFX: A record scratch interrupts the music. 

GRIFFIN

Hey now-

ADAM

Drac…

CHARLOTTE

That’s a bit harsh don’t you think?

DRACULA

(catching himself) Wait, no, you’re right that’s not fair of me. 

I shouldn’t have snapped at you for having a different skillset.

I’m nothing without my word and one should never belittle 

their friends with that word.

GRIFFIN

I appreciate that, thank you.

DRACULA

Let us vacate this closet before Charlotte’s lighter runs out of fuel and some of us are left stumbling around like so 

many Velmas. 

GRIFFIN

I always fancied myself a Daphne.

CHARLOTTE

That explains a lot.

SFX: ADAM hits his head on the light fixture. A fluorescent bulb flickers to life.

ADAM

Ow, damn it. 

GEORGE

Well, that’s the light fixed at least.

SFX: CHARLOTTE closes their lighter.

GRIFFIN

What the hell happened to the walls?

DRACULA

Claw marks?

GEORGE

Big claw marks…

CHARLOTTE

I think we’ve found why they kept the deposit.

DRACULA

Adam, would you mind locking the window?

SFX: Click

CHARLOTTE

Yes, good, that’ll stop a bear.

TRANSITION back to party, music playing in the background.

GEORGE

I’m not fighting it. 

MUMMY

I see you’re all back from your time in the war room, have

you come to a conclusion on what to do regarding our earbay 

inyay ethay arkingpay otlay

DRACULA

There’s no authorities to call. We’ll have to deal with it ourselves.

MUMMY

Look at that thing out there, biding its time. 

DRACULA

Who knows what evil courses through its veins. 

SFX: Neutral bear noise, dumpster rattling as it scratches its back.

MUMMY

What could its wanton, almost sensual rhythmic rubbing 

against the dumpster mean? Is this beast smarter than we

give credit? A statement of intent to kill us all… in its own

time? This thing isn’t even in a hurry to kill us. 

GRIFFIN

Maybe its back itches?

MUMMY

Silence, see-through man! It is time to fulfil my destiny as royalty

Hold my black-and-orange paper plate of cocktail weenies

until my victorious return.  

CHARLOTTE

Beatrice, you had yourself mummified because you found

out you were 15th in line to become Queen of England and 

wanted to quote, “play the long game.” 

MUMMY

I coined that phrase, as a matter of fact. 

CHARLOTTE

And what place in line are you now after waiting since 1864?

MUMMY

(dismissive) 17th. Damned Germans populating like rabbits. 

CHARLOTTE

Are you sure divine right to the throne is the power you want

to be calling on right now?

MUMMY

I am royalty, I can handle a woodland creature. And don’t 

you dare sneak a weenie, Griffin, I counted how many I 

had left. 

SFX- door opening, closing.

GEORGE

Three… two… one…

MUMMY

Have at you, bear!

SFX: bear growl, punch, sound of the BEATRICE’s head bouncing into the dumpster.

CHARLOTTE

Oooooo.

GEORGE

It knocked her block off!

MUMMY

I say, it appears to have decapitated me into the dumpster.

Assistance is required!

GRIFFIN

We lost a monster, but I’ve gained seven cocktail weenies

CHARLOTTE

Can I have one of those?

DRACULA

Griffin, could you sneak out there and bring Beatrice’s 

head back inside? 

GRIFFIN

Hang on I have three left.  

GEORGE

Fuck it I’m going to get a plate of my own. 

DRACULA

I never thought having good catering would be a

hinderance until today. 

SFX: DRACULA takes a bite.

DRACULA

Oh my, that’s good.

MUMMY

Assistance? Anyone? There’s a racoon in here and

it looks curious! 

SFX: Curious raccoon skittering, fade into radio static. 

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