The following is a transcript of part four of It Came From the Parking Lot. For a downloadable Google Doc link, please click here.
SFX: Ambient outdoor crickets chirp in the background as the monster crew stands outside the cabin.
DRACULA
Don’t let your guard down, the foul creature could be anywhere…
GRIFFIN
Maybe it just left?
DRACULA
Complacency is the enemy, Griffin, remember: back in the
80s the cosmonauts carried special-built guns just in case they
landed in Siberia and had to fend off bears. These things are
so deadly spacemen not only had to carry guns, they had to
have an extra-powerful gun. Even I don’t necessitate a special
gun.
GEORGE
As someone who has had a special gun and bullets made to kill
me… I can promise it’s not as big of a compliment as you think.
That said, it would be like nature to cause a ruckus only to then
wander off when the time came.
CHARLOTTE
Perhaps it’s for the best. Griffin, why don’t you go plug
Beatrice’s head back on so there’s not just a dead
British gal in the parking lot?
GRIFFIN
On it.
SFX – Door opening, closing.
DRACULA
After all this, it walks away.
SFX – Inquisitive bear growl.
DRACULA
Gah!
GEORGE
You just had to say it.
CHARLOTTE
The pasta, use it!
DRACULA
Hyah!
SFX – The paper plate lands gently in some nearby grass. The bear grunts reactively.
GEORGE
Hey Drac, when’s the last time you threw something?
ADAM
The opening pitch for a Yankees game in 1972.
SFX: The bear warbles some nonsense like the giant dog he is.
DRACULA
It’s… just standing there.
SUSIE
(stage whisper) Go, you useless- attack!
SFX – neutral bear noise fading into nothing as the bear walks away. .
GEORGE
Is there a person in slacks hiding behind my car?
SUSIE
(whisper turning into speaking volume) No no no no no
awe come on don’t walk away they’re right there-
DRACULA
Susie?
SUSIE
(caught off-guard) Ah-ha, uh, yes! Count Dracula, you seem to
have a bit of a problem on your hands tonight.
SFX – Door opening, closing.
CHARLOTTE
Summoner.
SUSIE
I’m sorry?
CHARLOTTE
That’s why Dracula couldn’t cast his thrall you, you’ve got some
summoner sorcerer bullshit going on in there.
SUSIE
I… am. I hail from a long line of revered sorceri, the blood
of a thousand generations courses through my veins.
GEORGE
That can’t be the plural of sorcerer.
GRIFFIN
Hey babe.
GEORGE
Welcome back.
GRIFFIN
What’d I miss?
GEORGE
I think… sorry what’re your pronouns?
SUSIE
(cheerful) She/her.
GEORGE
Thank you. (To Griffin) I think she works at the parks
department and is one of those dweebs who teach
themselves dark magic they can’t possibly understand
using the internet.
SUSIE
Hey! It was a distance learning correspondence course.
DRACULA
Perhaps we can table the semantics of learning perverted
arts from a laptop for later and address the real issue:
Why?
SUSIE
Chapter five of your 1978 book “Unlocking the Evil You.”
GEORGE
Oh for fuck sake.
ADAM
I told you not to take that book deal.
SUSIE
You yourself say the best way to make an impression on the
evil scene is to hit your target with a plan they can’t see until
you’ve already hit the prestige.
CHARLOTTE
This is your prestige? Your summoned bear is wandering off
in the vague direction of the Long John Silver’s on the other
side of that treeline.
GEORGE
Now I want fuckin’ fish, thanks for nothing Susie.
SUSIE
Temporary hiccups aside, consider this my coming-out scheme.
A calling card to announce myself as the new villain in town.
Susanne Hartford-Dinkles is a force of evil to be reckoned with!
DRACULA
Damned magic users making things difficult. Can’t even
be decent and let people hypnotize them.
CHARLOTTE
I make things difficult of my own volition, thank you very much.
DRACULA
Wait… It was you last year, wasn’t it. You destroyed the supply
closet and blamed it on us!
SUSIE
Guilty as charged. I was using my inspection time to get some
studying in for my conjuration midterm test but thinks got a little
out of hand. How was I to know there’s a difference between a
cat named Bob and a ferocious bobcat?
CHARLOTTE
Amateur…
SUSIE
But nevertheless, the damage wasn’t that bad… nothing the great
Count Dracula can’t afford to fix.
GEORGE
What a… low-rent yet ballsy first scheme to cheat Dracula
out of $100.
GRIFFIN
Who dicks Dracula like that?
CHARLOTTE
Phrasing, Griffin, jeez.
DRACULA
And the bear? All this to what, make a name for yourself?
You could’ve joined the Facebook group and been invited
to the party like everyone else.
SUSIE
And be just another face in the crowd? I’m better than that, as
tonight has clearly shown. What better way to make a first
impression than besting a room full of the best of the best?
DRACULA
Your bear sucker-punched me through a window and
disassembled Bea-
BEATRICE
Temporarily! I’m healing just fine over here, thank you.
DRACULA
But your overall execution has been lackluster, you have
to admit.
SUSIE
I have to do no such thing.
DRACULA
What are your demands, since your plot is going so well?
SUSIE
Your word is your bond, I want assurance your pals won’t
retaliate and I get an invite to next year’s party.
DRACULA sighs, defeated.
DRACULA
No no, these people are my guests and, more importantly,
my friends. They can do me this solid. I, Count Dracula
do swear on all that is unholy I, nor any monster standing
behind me will harm you.
SUSIE
And the invite?
DRACULA
And you are cordially invited to next year’s party. Though, I
think you’ll have a tough time making a good first impression.
SUSIE
And why’s that?
DRACULA
In your excitement to reveal your scheme you made
the fatal mistake of trying to keep a headcount on a
group of monsters.
SUSIE
So? You five aren’t exactly hard to pick out in a crowd.
DRACULA
Ah, but you see, there’s five of us here but you failed to notice
the clothes of a sixth person on the pavement behind me. A
monster in no way bound to my promise is standing behind you.
SUSIE
Wha-
SUSIE is gagged, attempting to shout through fabric.
GRIFFIN
Night-night, don’t let the… bear-bugs bite…
GEORGE
(encouraging) Getting better at the one-liners babe!
DRACULA
I apologise if I come off as an armchair assault critic, Griffin,
but were the booty shorts the only viable option to neutralize
our assailant?
GRIFFIN
If I used my arm nobody would be able to watch, though?
SFX: GEORGE snaps a photo of Griffin’s newest incapacitation.
GEORGE
I’m so fucking proud of you.
CHARLOTTE
Ah, young love.
DRACULA
Well, save for Griffin’s brief moment of glory that entire affair
was… anticlimactic.
ADAM
It definitely reinforces your worry that humans have lost the plot
on what makes evil worth waking up for.
DRACULA
Mmm.
BEATRICE
What an adventure eh? Another notch in the belt for the
Count, another wild party story for us.
GEORGE
You put the head on backwards, Bea.
BEATRICE
Oh, so I did.
SFX – bone crack.
BEATRICE
Ooooooo-whoop! Alright. Alright, I think I
fixed it. (quietly, to self) Ooo, what’s this?
CHARLOTTE
Should we do anything about the bear?
GEORGE
I doubt we’re getting the deposit back from Susie anyway.
Winnie the Pooh out there is officially the fried fish place’s
problem.
DRACULA
Perhaps tonight was a sign.
ADAM
To what end?
DRACULA
Seeing this… buffoon fail so spectacularly yet still have
the time of her life. Being trapped inside for so many
hours.
CHARLOTTE
It’s been less than 45 minutes.
GEORGE
Really?
DRACULA
It felt longer. Anyway, this was the most I’ve felt in ages.
Back when monsters like us were out doing good bad,
when there were stakes.
ADAM
Those were the good bad old days.
BEATRICE
This is delicious!
CHARLOTTE
Not again with the weenies.
BEATRICE
No, this delicious lasagna someone left unattended.
GEORGE
Wait don’t eat that-
SFX: BEA exploding
DRACULA
Maybe… maybe I’ve outgrown being a small business owner.
Maybe it’s time to get back into politics now that I have, shall
we say, leverage with a new friend in local government.
You said it yourself, Charlotte. I can’t fix
things in the big picture without working on the little picture
first. Griffin?
GRIFFIN
Yes?
DRACULA
Put your pants back on, we’ve a party to join and
schemes to discuss.
GRIFFIN
Killjoy.
GEORGE
And then we find the pieces of Bea.
DRACULA
[matter-of-factly] And then we find the pieces of Bea.
BEATRICE
My torso’s on the roof, not that anyone cares. Could someone
toss the rest of that lasagna up?
CHARLOTTE
How any of you manage to continue existing, I’ll never know.
SFX: Radio tuning, static.
NARRATOR
Not the most… traditional of Halloween tales but it holds a fond
place in my heart, and hopefully now yours as well. A candle
to ward against the ever-looming dark.
SFX: A grandfather clock begins to chime.
NARRATOR
Ah, but the hour is at hand and it’s time to go. All good things
must come to an end. Perhaps I’ll see you again, if you
can make it back in one piece.
SFX – radio tuning to static.
OUTRO
Post-credits scene – The bear places an order at the Long John Silver’s drive-thru.
SPEAKER
Hi, welcome to Long John-
SFX – Bear
SPEAKER
Oh hi there! Just want the usual?
SFX – Bear
SPEAKER
Feeling adventurous today huh?
SFX – Bear
SPEAKER
You want that large?
SFX – Bear
SPEAKER
And what two sides?
SFX – Bear
SPEAKER
Does that complete your order?
SFX – Bear
SPEAKER
Alrightly, $18.52 at the window!
SFX – Bear
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