Part Four: Tight Shorts

The following is a transcript of part four of It Came From the Parking Lot. For a downloadable Google Doc link, please click here.

SFX: Ambient outdoor crickets chirp in the background as the monster crew stands outside the cabin. 

DRACULA

Don’t let your guard down, the foul creature could be anywhere…

GRIFFIN

Maybe it just left?

DRACULA

Complacency is the enemy, Griffin, remember: back in the 

80s the cosmonauts carried special-built guns just in case they

landed in Siberia and had to fend off bears. These things are

so deadly spacemen not only had to carry guns, they had to

have an extra-powerful gun. Even I don’t necessitate a special

gun. 

GEORGE

As someone who has had a special gun and bullets made to kill

me… I can promise it’s not as big of a compliment as you think. 

That said, it would be like nature to cause a ruckus only to then

wander off when the time came.

CHARLOTTE

Perhaps it’s for the best. Griffin, why don’t you go plug

Beatrice’s head back on so there’s not just a dead

British gal in the parking lot?

GRIFFIN

On it.

SFX – Door opening, closing.

DRACULA

After all this, it walks away

SFX – Inquisitive bear growl.

DRACULA

Gah!

GEORGE

You just had to say it.

CHARLOTTE

The pasta, use it!

DRACULA

Hyah!

SFX – The paper plate lands gently in some nearby grass. The bear grunts reactively.

GEORGE
Hey Drac, when’s the last time you threw something?

ADAM

The opening pitch for a Yankees game in 1972.

SFX: The bear warbles some nonsense like the giant dog he is.

DRACULA

It’s… just standing there. 

SUSIE 

(stage whisper) Go, you useless- attack!

SFX – neutral bear noise fading into nothing as the bear walks away. .

GEORGE

Is there a person in slacks hiding behind my car?

SUSIE 

(whisper turning into speaking volume) No no no no no

awe come on don’t walk away they’re right there-

DRACULA

Susie?

SUSIE 

(caught off-guard) Ah-ha, uh, yes! Count Dracula, you seem to 

have a bit of a problem on your hands tonight. 

SFX – Door opening, closing.

CHARLOTTE

Summoner.

SUSIE  

I’m sorry?

CHARLOTTE

That’s why Dracula couldn’t cast his thrall you, you’ve got some

summoner sorcerer bullshit going on in there. 

SUSIE 

I… am. I hail from a long line of revered sorceri, the blood

of a thousand generations courses through my veins.

GEORGE

That can’t be the plural of sorcerer. 

GRIFFIN

Hey babe.

GEORGE

Welcome back.

GRIFFIN

What’d I miss?

GEORGE

I think… sorry what’re your pronouns? 

SUSIE

(cheerful) She/her. 

GEORGE

Thank you. (To Griffin) I think she works at the parks 

department and is one of those dweebs who teach 

themselves dark magic they can’t possibly understand 

using the internet. 

SUSIE 

Hey! It was a distance learning correspondence course

DRACULA

Perhaps we can table the semantics of learning perverted

arts from a laptop for later and address the real issue: 

Why

SUSIE 

Chapter five of your 1978 book “Unlocking the Evil You.”

GEORGE

Oh for fuck sake.

ADAM

I told you not to take that book deal.

SUSIE 

You yourself say the best way to make an impression on the

evil scene is to hit your target with a plan they can’t see until

you’ve already hit the prestige. 

CHARLOTTE

This is your prestige? Your summoned bear is wandering off

in the vague direction of the Long John Silver’s on the other

side of that treeline.

GEORGE

Now I want fuckin’ fish, thanks for nothing Susie. 

SUSIE 

Temporary hiccups aside, consider this my coming-out scheme. 

A calling card to announce myself as the new villain in town. 

Susanne Hartford-Dinkles is a force of evil to be reckoned with!

DRACULA

Damned magic users making things difficult. Can’t even

be decent and let people hypnotize them. 

CHARLOTTE

I make things difficult of my own volition, thank you very much.

DRACULA

Wait… It was you last year, wasn’t it. You destroyed the supply

closet and blamed it on us!

SUSIE 

Guilty as charged. I was using my inspection time to get some 

studying in for my conjuration midterm test but thinks got a little

out of hand. How was I to know there’s a difference between a 

cat named Bob and a ferocious bobcat? 

CHARLOTTE

Amateur…

SUSIE

But nevertheless, the damage wasn’t that bad… nothing the great 

Count Dracula can’t afford to fix. 

GEORGE

What a… low-rent yet ballsy first scheme to cheat Dracula 

out of $100. 

GRIFFIN

Who dicks Dracula like that?

CHARLOTTE

Phrasing, Griffin, jeez. 

DRACULA

And the bear? All this to what, make a name for yourself?

You could’ve joined the Facebook group and been invited 

to the party like everyone else.

SUSIE 

And be just another face in the crowd? I’m better than that, as

tonight has clearly shown. What better way to make a first 

impression than besting a room full of the best of the best? 

DRACULA

Your bear sucker-punched me through a window and 

disassembled Bea-

BEATRICE

Temporarily! I’m healing just fine over here, thank you. 

DRACULA

But your overall execution has been lackluster, you have

to admit.

SUSIE 

I have to do no such thing. 

DRACULA

What are your demands, since your plot is going so well?

SUSIE 

Your word is your bond, I want assurance your pals won’t

retaliate and I get an invite to next year’s party. 

DRACULA sighs, defeated.

DRACULA

No no, these people are my guests and, more importantly, 

my friends. They can do me this solid. I, Count Dracula 

do swear on all that is unholy I, nor any monster standing

behind me will harm you. 

SUSIE 

And the invite?

DRACULA

And you are cordially invited to next year’s party. Though, I 

think you’ll have a tough time making a good first impression.

SUSIE 

And why’s that?

DRACULA

In your excitement to reveal your scheme you made

the fatal mistake of trying to keep a headcount on a 

group of monsters.


SUSIE 

So? You five aren’t exactly hard to pick out in a crowd.

DRACULA

Ah, but you see, there’s five of us here but you failed to notice

the clothes of a sixth person on the pavement behind me. A

monster in no way bound to my promise is standing behind you.

SUSIE 

Wha-

SUSIE  is gagged, attempting to shout through fabric. 

GRIFFIN

Night-night, don’t let the… bear-bugs bite…

GEORGE

(encouraging) Getting better at the one-liners babe! 

DRACULA

I apologise if I come off as an armchair assault critic, Griffin,

but were the booty shorts the only viable option to neutralize

our assailant?

GRIFFIN

If I used my arm nobody would be able to watch, though?

SFX: GEORGE snaps a photo of Griffin’s newest incapacitation.

GEORGE

I’m so fucking proud of you. 

CHARLOTTE

Ah, young love.

DRACULA

Well, save for Griffin’s brief moment of glory that entire affair

was… anticlimactic. 

ADAM

It definitely reinforces your worry that humans have lost the plot 

on what makes evil worth waking up for.

DRACULA

Mmm.

BEATRICE

What an adventure eh? Another notch in the belt for the

Count, another wild party story for us. 

GEORGE

You put the head on backwards, Bea.

BEATRICE

Oh, so I did.

SFX – bone crack.

BEATRICE

Ooooooo-whoop! Alright. Alright, I think I 

fixed it. (quietly, to self) Ooo,  what’s this? 

CHARLOTTE

Should we do anything about the bear? 

GEORGE

I doubt we’re getting the deposit back from Susie anyway.

Winnie the Pooh out there is officially the fried fish place’s

problem. 

DRACULA

Perhaps tonight was a sign. 

ADAM

To what end?

DRACULA

Seeing this… buffoon fail so spectacularly yet still have

the time of her life. Being trapped inside for so many 

hours. 

CHARLOTTE

It’s been less than 45 minutes. 

GEORGE

Really?

DRACULA

It felt longer. Anyway, this was the most I’ve felt in ages.

Back when monsters like us were out doing good bad, 

when there were stakes

ADAM

Those were the good bad old days. 

BEATRICE

This is delicious!

CHARLOTTE

Not again with the weenies.

BEATRICE

No, this delicious lasagna someone left unattended.

GEORGE

Wait don’t eat that-

SFX: BEA exploding

DRACULA

Maybe… maybe I’ve outgrown being a small business owner.

Maybe it’s time to get back into politics now that I have, shall

we say, leverage with a new friend in local government. 

You said it yourself, Charlotte. I can’t fix 

things in the big picture without working on the little picture

first. Griffin?

GRIFFIN

Yes?

DRACULA

Put your pants back on, we’ve a party to join and

schemes to discuss. 

GRIFFIN

Killjoy.

GEORGE

And then we find the pieces of Bea. 

DRACULA

[matter-of-factly] And then we find the pieces of Bea.

BEATRICE

My torso’s on the roof, not that anyone cares. Could someone

toss the rest of that lasagna up?

CHARLOTTE

How any of you manage to continue existing, I’ll never know.

SFX: Radio tuning, static. 

NARRATOR

Not the most… traditional of Halloween tales but it holds a fond

place in my heart, and hopefully now yours as well. A candle

to ward against the ever-looming dark.

SFX: A grandfather clock begins to chime.

NARRATOR

Ah, but the hour is at hand and it’s time to go. All good things

must come to an end. Perhaps I’ll see you again, if you

can make it back in one piece. 

SFX – radio tuning to static. 

OUTRO

Post-credits scene – The bear places an order at the Long John Silver’s drive-thru. 

SPEAKER

Hi, welcome to Long John-

SFX – Bear

SPEAKER

Oh hi there! Just want the usual?

SFX – Bear

SPEAKER

Feeling adventurous today huh?

SFX – Bear

SPEAKER

You want that large? 

SFX – Bear

SPEAKER

And what two sides? 

SFX – Bear

SPEAKER

Does that complete your order? 

SFX – Bear 

SPEAKER

Alrightly, $18.52 at the window!

SFX – Bear

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