Below is the full transcript for the first episode of It Came From the Parking Lot. For a downloadable Google Doc version, please click here.
SFX: A creaky door opens.
Good evening! come in. come in from the cold. Take a seat
by the fire, wouldn’t want to be in the dark for too long would
we? I suppose you’re here for a story? Well… you’ve come
to the right place.
SFX: Dials click and switches actuate as the NARRATOR turns on an ancient radio.
This radio here has thousands of tales to
share, stories of woe and terror from a world just to the
side of ours. Familiar, maybe even too familiar at times.
It was hand-crafted by none other than Guglielmo Marconi.
The very last radio he ever built, if the stories are true…
Its dial can be incredibly sensitive but in the right hands
this beauty can deliver a listening experience that’s to
Sit back, relax, and let your kind host do the tuning.
You’re just in time, a personal favorite of mine is about to
begin. It’s almost time for It Came From The Parking Lot!
SFX: Static fading in and out as we transition between different clips.
We have with us in the studio today, once again, the Wolfman!
Great to be back.
We can’t go any further without clearing the air. Are the
What, the rumors that I’m a sexy bastard? ‘Cus I can definitely
No, I’m not in the big remake of my origin story. Listen, I get it,
any time a new rumor hits IMDB fans start the social media
buzz to get one of us cast but I’m here to say: Hollywood
doesn’t want real monsters anymore.
Do monsters want Hollywood?
SFX: GEORGE takes a pull from a cigarette, then exhales
Back in the day? Absolutely. In the 70s I was couch surfing
all across LA, I’d fly in early to sign some deals and then party
until my flight out the next day. Some real Endless Summer
shit. It was a blast.
Hmmm, not quite the right frequency, though a good episode.
I’ll send you a link later…
SFX: Static followed by a low-quality broadcast recording of an interview.
Fame’s fun, but it also makes being evil harder. I’m
barely able to get a good pickpocket in these days.
Wait, how did you… did you just take my watch?
(mysteriously) I’m invisible, how could you possibly know?
(annoyed) The watch you’re holding isn’t invisible.
SFX: GRIFFIN running away.
You’ll never forget the day you were robbed by The Invisible Man!
Almost there, this dial can be a bit sensitive at times…
SFX: Static. A college student speaks through an echo-y auditorium speaker.
CURIOUS COLLEGE STUDENT
My question is for Frankenstein’s monst- Adam. Sorry. Do
you think modern cryptids, such as Slenderman, are more
I grow weary of contemporary attitudes towards newcomers
in villainy. Even amongst monsters it’s grating. I can’t
imagine the cold shoulders Slenderman got from the old
guard. I’ve met him, delightful man, but I’ve also seen monsters
thrice his age make snide remarks about being “from the
Never mind the fact him being willed into creation
by the winners of a creepypasta contest is just 21st century
mad science. My backstory is as simplistic as his, yet I get
a free pass because I’m 200 years old. We used to actually
fight to settle petty differences, now gatekeeping and
cyberbullying is the name of the game. A game I refuse to
There comes a time when you just wanna settle down, take
a breather, rack up a few casual maulings like the good old days.
Come on, old friend, my guest and I need the right station or
we’ll miss the start… Ah… here it is.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ
That was another hour-long block of rock brought to you by
109.1 WKBN, your home of classic rock. We’ll get right back
To those golden oldies right after these messages.
SFX: Chipper, cheesy Halloween music plays through a poor-quality speaker.
Come on down to Drac’s Delicatessen on the corner of Elm
and third for the freshest cuts of meat this side of Transylvania.
Our sandwiches are guaranteed to have you fall in love at first bite.
SFX: Car radio being turned off.
Who runs radio ads these days?.
SFX: Brakes squeal as a car pulls into a parking spot, the engine shutting off.
Finally here, let’s go, I’m starving.
(close to mic) Me too.
SFX: George’s keys rattle as he’s startled.
WHOA what the- Are… are you on the dashboard? How?
Uh, I’m a master of stealth?
What have I said a hundred times about stripping so you
can sneak around while I’m driving?
That it’s adorable and keeps the relationship spicy?
(flirty) Never thought I’d hear the big bad wolf get so
worked up on my account.
SFX: GRIFFIN and GEORGE exit the car.
Just please keep it on during the party, there’s still group chat
memes about the 2015… incident.
How was I supposed to know who had infrared vision and
can just see everything? It’s cheating.
SFX: A whooshing noise announces the arrival of CHARLOTTE via broom.
No… No it’s in the city park, you’re looking for the little
cabin-looking thing with some trees.
How can you be mad about distracted driving when they’re
Still trying to get yourself killed, Charlotte?
(jokingly) If only you were so lucky. (into phone) Yeah, It’s past
the skate ramps and bathrooms. Yup, maybe buy a GPS
before we have to do this a tenth year in a row, ya dinosaur.
SFX: A call-end tone plays as CHARLOTTE hangs up on ADAM.
Adam. You’d think the battery terminals in his neck would
make him in tune with cars but being behind the wheel
isn’t his strong suit.
Says the witch who almost ended up wrapped around a
tree like a bad Halloween decoration.
Oh don’t listen to George, he’s just upset the full moon’s
tomorrow so he doesn’t get to be a furry.
How many times do I have to tell you that’s not what that means.
Well hello Griffin, I almost didn’t see you there.
GRIFFIN laughs sarcastically.
I’m not the invisible person with the world’s loudest
fashion choices. This smoking jacket, sunglasses,
and neon pink hot pants ensemble is a choice.
Yeah, a hot choice.
SFX: GEORGE slaps GRIFFIN’s ass
Come now boys, let’s make an appearance before
someone has to hose you down.
Is that a new broom I spy taking up an entire parking spot?
Yes, and he’s worth it. 100% cursed oak. I had the wood
shipped in from Georgia last week.
The state, there’s a wonderful monster-owned sawmill
near Axson. Oh, silly me, almost forgot.
SFX: Charlotte pulls keys from their pocket, hitting the lock button on a keyfob. The broom in the parking lot makes a car alarm beep. The three then open a screen door and walk into the cabin. Crowd noise fades in as they mingle into the crowd.
Thank you so very much, the spread looks delectable.
The zombie caterer groans.
I bid you good night.
The zombie caterer groans.
Is that a wolfman walking into my party like he belongs here?
Dracula, you son of a bitch.
Hello Griffin, Charlotte, always a pleasure to see you.
Likewise, you old flirt. Love the cardigan and cape combo.
You like it? I got it off Etsy, you can find anything on Etsy.
I didn’t think you were the independent-business supporting
That’s the beauty of it: Etsy is secretly just as evil. By providing
a storefront for gentle craft nerds they can charge ridiculous
fees knowing their sellers won’t make a scene on social media!
George, you’re just in time, I’m about to do the announcements.
SFX: The music stops, a mic rings with feedback as DRACULA addresses the gathering.
Denizens of the night, welcome to our annual escape from
the dreary annoyances of Halloween and humans.
The crowd murmurs in agreement, some clap.
First order of business for the night: please remember to be
courteous to the space, I don’t want to bring down the mood
but I’ve been informed there was, quote, “some damage” from
last year’s even so let’s keep it clean.
Wait, what’d we do last year?
(I dunno grunt)
Just remember: This venue is centrally-located, not on
consecrated ground, and air conditioned. It would be a
shame to lose it as an option. Up next, I believe George
has some news for us about the winter trip.
Thanks Drac, hey all, George here from Lycanthrope chapter
SFX: Someone in the crowd wolf whistles.
(chuckling) that’s never not funny. Anyways, if you are at all
considering joining in on the winter festivities we’re less than
two months out so now’s the time to decide. Me and the boys
use sign-ups to estimate how many virgins we need to round
up for the big Christmas hunt.
If you’re at all interested, even if
you’re not sure of your schedule, please sign your name on the
sheet by the door. Nothing sucks the fun out of a vacation like
realizing there’s one 20-something left to split between five
WYATT moans in the audience
OH! Yes, thank you Wyatt. The Christmas hunt is absolutely,
positively ghost-friendly. Wyatt here can share some stories
from his time out there. You gotta remember. kids today are
learning survival tactics from horror movies-
SFX: Disapproving boo from the audience
I know! It’s a pain in the ass, but what these people don’t
expect is to also have a poltergeist quietly following behind
them sucking up all that fear like a glowing battery. Last
year I got to see some guy round a tree in the middle of the
Pacific Northwest wilderness and boom: full-on floating dead
guy, no eyes, screaming “GET OUT.”
Audience laughs, Dracula gets a giggle fit.
Hysterical, how could they even get out? They were already
Bigfoot is graciously hosting the event once again and has
offered up some empty nests for anyone not
wanting to get a hotel.
Thank you, George, and thank you everyone for joining us
Tonight. It feels like we never get to see each other like we
did in the old days… but enough nostalgia, let’s eat! Undead
Catering’s outdone themselves again this year.
We’ve got quite the spread so don’t be shy. Tonight is a
celebration of debauchery and evil. We can be bad and
go back for thirds.
SFX: Boogieman by The Zombie Dandies fades in then lowers in volume to transition scenes.
The dry ice fog on the dessert table is a cute touch.
Oh you think so. Not too hokey?
It’s absolutely hokey, and that’s adorable.
The classics are classic for a reason!
What happened last year that got you in trouble?
(Dismissive) It’s nothing, Griffin, nothing worth stressing over.
Good evening, Count might I have a word?
Oh shit, it’s the death of the party.
How very dry as usual, Charlotte.
I thought being dry was your job, being a mummy and all.
Steel yourself for a witty riposte once I’ve attended to the
reason I bothered crossing the dance floor.
And here I thought we were friends.
Count, if you direct your attention out this window you’ll find
something… unexpected in the parking lot.
SFX: A bear groans outside.
Is that a- (laughter) You know what? It’s some teens in a
That classic Halloween staple, a bear costume requiring
Exactly. Never fear, I’ll take care of these pranksters.
No wait I wasn’t being serious Drac-
SFX: Screen door opening, shutting.
He’s so very horrible with sarcasm, you know this.
I have to hold out hope someday he’ll grow self-preservation
(fake fear) Aaah! A bear! (chuckle) That’s a pretty good
What’s goin’ on?
Our fearless host is dispatching some teenagers in a bear
costume out in the parking lot.
He can’t tell that’s an actual bear? You can smell it from here.
All I can smell is the garlic off this incredible hummus.
Do we warn him?
(loud) Hey Drac I hate to be the bearer of bad news-
That’s a real bear.
I had my suspicions…
SFX: The bear groans.
Got any plans other than getting dangerously close to
As the most powerful vampire in the world I hold sway over
the creatures of the night. Wild wolves count, and bears are
basically giant dogs so…
SFX: Theremin music kicks in as DRACULA attempts to hypnotise a bear.
Begone, foul beast, leave this cabin and never retur-
SFX: Bear growl, impact sound followed by glass breaking as DRACULA flies through a window next to GEORGE and GRIFFIN.
Those were some strong teens…
END OF PART ONE
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