Part One: Drac Attacked

Below is the full transcript for the first episode of It Came From the Parking Lot. For a downloadable Google Doc version, please click here.

SFX: A creaky door opens.
NARRATOR

Good evening! come in. come in from the cold. Take a seat

by the fire, wouldn’t want to be in the dark for too long would

we? I suppose you’re here for a story? Well… you’ve come 

to the right place. 

SFX: Dials click and switches actuate as the NARRATOR turns on an ancient radio. 

NARRATOR

This radio here has thousands of tales to

share, stories of woe and terror from a world just to the 

side of ours. Familiar, maybe even too familiar at times.

It was hand-crafted by none other than Guglielmo Marconi. 

The very last radio he ever built, if the stories are true…

Its dial can be incredibly sensitive but in the right hands

this beauty can deliver a listening experience that’s to 

die for. 

Sit back, relax, and let your kind host do the tuning. 

You’re just in time, a personal favorite of mine is about to

begin. It’s almost time for It Came From The Parking Lot!

SFX: Static fading in and out as we transition between different clips. 

PODCASTER

We have with us in the studio today, once again, the Wolfman!

GEORGE

Great to be back.

PODCASTER

We can’t go any further without clearing the air. Are the 

rumors true?

GEORGE

What, the rumors that I’m a sexy bastard? ‘Cus I can definitely 

confirm those.

PODCASTER

C’maaan.

GEORGE

No, I’m not in the big remake of my origin story. Listen, I get it,

any time a new rumor hits IMDB fans start the social media 

buzz to get one of us cast but I’m here to say: Hollywood 

doesn’t want real monsters anymore.

PODCASTER

Do monsters want Hollywood?

SFX: GEORGE takes a pull from a cigarette, then exhales 

GEORGE

Back in the day? Absolutely. In the 70s I was couch surfing 

all across LA, I’d fly in early to sign some deals and then party

until my flight out the next day. Some real Endless Summer 

shit. It was a blast.

NARRATOR

Hmmm, not quite the right frequency, though a good episode. 

I’ll send you a link later…

SFX: Static followed by a low-quality broadcast recording of an interview. 

GRIFFIN

Fame’s fun, but it also makes being evil harder. I’m

barely able to get a good pickpocket in these days.

INTERVIEWER

Wait, how did you… did you just take my watch?

GRIFFIN

(mysteriously) I’m invisible, how could you possibly know?

INTERVIEWER

(annoyed) The watch you’re holding isn’t invisible. 

SFX: GRIFFIN running away.

GRIFFIN

You’ll never forget the day you were robbed by The Invisible Man!

SFX: Static

NARRATOR

Almost there, this dial can be a bit sensitive at times…

SFX: Static. A college student speaks through an echo-y auditorium speaker.

CURIOUS COLLEGE STUDENT

My question is for Frankenstein’s monst- Adam. Sorry. Do

you think modern cryptids, such as Slenderman, are more 

evil?

ADAM

I grow weary of contemporary attitudes towards newcomers

in villainy. Even amongst monsters it’s grating. I can’t

imagine the cold shoulders Slenderman got from the old 

guard. I’ve met him, delightful man, but I’ve also seen monsters

thrice his age make snide remarks about being “from the 

Internet.” 

Never mind the fact him being willed into creation 

by the winners of a creepypasta contest is just 21st century

mad science. My backstory is as simplistic as his, yet I get

a free pass because I’m 200 years old. We used to actually

fight to settle petty differences, now gatekeeping and 

cyberbullying is the name of the game. A game I refuse to 

play.

SFX: Static

GEORGE

There comes a time when you just wanna settle down, take 

a breather, rack up a few casual maulings like the good old days.

PODCASTER

Sure.

SFX: Static

NARRATOR

Come on, old friend, my guest and I need the right station or

we’ll miss the start… Ah… here it is. 

CLASSIC ROCK DJ

That was another hour-long block of rock brought to you by 

109.1 WKBN, your home of classic rock. We’ll get right back 

To those golden oldies right after these messages. 

SFX: Chipper, cheesy Halloween music plays through a poor-quality speaker. 

DRACULA

Come on down to Drac’s Delicatessen on the corner of Elm

and third for the freshest cuts of meat this side of Transylvania. 

Our sandwiches are guaranteed to have you fall in love at first bite

SFX: Car radio being turned off. 

GEORGE

Who runs radio ads these days?.

SFX: Brakes squeal as a car pulls into a parking spot, the engine shutting off. 

GEORGE

Finally here, let’s go, I’m starving

GRIFFIN

(close to mic) Me too.

SFX: George’s keys rattle as he’s startled. 

GEORGE

WHOA what the- Are… are you on the dashboard? How? 

GRIFFIN

Uh, I’m a master of stealth?

GEORGE 

What have I said a hundred times about stripping so you

 can sneak around while I’m driving?

GRIFFIN

That it’s adorable and keeps the relationship spicy?

GEORGE

And dangerous.

GRIFFIN

(flirty) Never thought I’d hear the big bad wolf get so 

worked up on my account.

SFX: GRIFFIN and GEORGE exit the car. 

GEORGE

Just please keep it on during the party, there’s still group chat

 memes about the 2015… incident.

GRIFFIN

How was I supposed to know who had infrared vision and 

can just see everything? It’s cheating.

SFX: A whooshing noise announces the arrival of CHARLOTTE via broom. 

CHARLOTTE

No… No it’s in the city park, you’re looking for the little 

cabin-looking thing with some trees.

GRIFFIN

How can you be mad about distracted driving when they’re 

distracted flying?

GEORGE

Still trying to get yourself killed, Charlotte?

CHARLOTTE

(jokingly) If only you were so lucky. (into phone) Yeah, It’s past 

the skate ramps and bathrooms. Yup, maybe buy a GPS 

before we have to do this a tenth year in a row, ya dinosaur.

SFX: A call-end tone plays as CHARLOTTE hangs up on ADAM.

GEORGE

Adam?

CHARLOTTE

Adam. You’d think the battery terminals in his neck would 

make him in tune with cars but being behind the wheel 

isn’t his strong suit.

GEORGE

Says the witch who almost ended up wrapped around a 

tree like a bad Halloween decoration.

GRIFFIN

Oh don’t listen to George, he’s just upset the full moon’s 

tomorrow so he doesn’t get to be a furry. 

GEORGE

How many times do I have to tell you that’s not what that means. 

CHARLOTTE

Well hello Griffin, I almost didn’t see you there. 

GRIFFIN laughs sarcastically.

GRIFFIN

How original.

CHARLOTTE

I’m not the invisible person with the world’s loudest 

fashion choices. This smoking jacket, sunglasses, 

and neon pink hot pants ensemble is a choice

GEORGE

Yeah, a hot choice.

SFX: GEORGE slaps GRIFFIN’s ass

GRIFFIN

(giggle) 

CHARLOTTE

Come now boys, let’s make an appearance before 

someone has to hose you down. 

GEORGE

Is that a new broom I spy taking up an entire parking spot?

CHARLOTTE

Yes, and he’s worth it. 100% cursed oak. I had the wood 

shipped in from Georgia last week.

GRIFFIN

The country?

CHARLOTTE

The state, there’s a wonderful monster-owned sawmill 

near Axson. Oh, silly me, almost forgot.

SFX: Charlotte pulls keys from their pocket, hitting the lock button on a keyfob. The broom in the parking lot makes a car alarm beep. The three then open a screen door and walk into the cabin. Crowd noise fades in as they mingle into the crowd.  

DRACULA

Thank you so very much, the spread looks delectable.

The zombie caterer groans.

DRACULA

I bid you good night. 

The zombie caterer groans.

DRACULA

Is that a wolfman walking into my party like he belongs here?

GEORGE

Dracula, you son of a bitch.

DRACULA

Hello Griffin, Charlotte, always a pleasure to see you. 

CHARLOTTE

Likewise, you old flirt. Love the cardigan and cape combo. 

DRACULA

You like it? I got it off Etsy, you can find anything on Etsy. 

CHARLOTTE

I didn’t think you were the independent-business supporting 

type. 

DRACULA

That’s the beauty of it: Etsy is secretly just as evil. By providing

a storefront for gentle craft nerds they can charge ridiculous 

fees knowing their sellers won’t make a scene on social media!

CHARLOTTE

Clever.

DRACULA

George, you’re just in time, I’m about to do the announcements. 

SFX: The music stops, a mic rings with feedback as DRACULA addresses the gathering. 

DRACULA

Denizens of the night, welcome to our annual escape from 

the dreary annoyances of Halloween and humans.

The crowd murmurs in agreement, some clap. 

DRACULA (cont)

First order of business for the night: please remember to be 

courteous to the space, I don’t want to bring down the mood

but I’ve been informed there was, quote, “some damage” from

last year’s even so let’s keep it clean.

GRIFFIN

Wait, what’d we do last year?

GEORGE

(I dunno grunt)

DRACULA

Just remember: This venue is centrally-located, not on 

consecrated ground, and air conditioned. It would be a 

shame to lose it as an option. Up next, I believe George 

has some news for us about the winter trip.

GEORGE

Thanks Drac, hey all, George here from Lycanthrope chapter 

232-

SFX: Someone in the crowd wolf whistles.

GEORGE

(chuckling) that’s never not funny. Anyways, if you are at all 

considering joining in on the winter festivities we’re less than 

two months out so now’s the time to decide. Me and the boys

use sign-ups to estimate how many virgins we need to round 

up for the big Christmas hunt. 

If you’re at all interested, even if 

you’re not sure of your schedule, please sign your name on the

sheet by the door. Nothing sucks the fun out of a vacation like 

realizing there’s one 20-something left to split between five 

hungry monsters.  

  WYATT moans in the audience

GEORGE

OH! Yes, thank you Wyatt. The Christmas hunt is absolutely, 

positively ghost-friendly. Wyatt here can share some stories

from his time out there. You gotta remember. kids today are 

learning survival tactics from horror movies-

SFX: Disapproving boo from the audience

GEORGE

I know! It’s a pain in the ass, but what these people don’t 

expect is to also have a poltergeist quietly following behind

them sucking up all that fear like a glowing battery. Last 

year I got to see some guy round a tree in the middle of the 

Pacific Northwest wilderness and boom: full-on floating dead 

guy, no eyes, screaming “GET OUT.”

Audience laughs, Dracula gets a giggle fit.

DRACULA

Hysterical, how could they even get out? They were already 

outside!

GEORGE

Bigfoot is graciously hosting the event once again and has

offered up some empty nests for anyone not 

wanting to get a hotel.

DRACULA

Thank you, George, and thank you everyone for joining us 

Tonight. It feels like we never get to see each other like we 

did in the old days… but enough nostalgia, let’s eat!  Undead 

Catering’s outdone themselves again this year.

We’ve got quite the spread so don’t be shy. Tonight is a 

celebration of debauchery and evil. We can be bad and 

go back for thirds.

SFX: Boogieman by The Zombie Dandies fades in then lowers in volume to transition scenes. 

CHARLOTTE

The dry ice fog on the dessert table is a cute touch.

DRACULA

Oh you think so. Not too hokey? 

CHARLOTTE

It’s absolutely hokey, and that’s adorable. 

DRACULA

The classics are classic for a reason!

GRIFFIN

What happened last year that got you in trouble?

DRACULA

(Dismissive) It’s nothing, Griffin, nothing worth stressing over.

MUMMY

Good evening, Count might I have a word? 

CHARLOTTE

Oh shit, it’s the death of the party.

MUMMY

How very dry as usual, Charlotte.

CHARLOTTE

I thought being dry was your job, being a mummy and all. 

MUMMY

Steel yourself for a witty riposte once I’ve attended to the 

reason I bothered crossing the dance floor.

CHARLOTTE

And here I thought we were friends.

MUMMY

Count, if you direct your attention out this window you’ll find 

something… unexpected in the parking lot. 

DRACULA

What’s this? 

SFX: A bear groans outside. 

DRACULA

Is that a- (laughter) You know what? It’s some teens in a 

group costume. 

CHARLOTTE

That classic Halloween staple, a bear costume requiring 

two people?

DRACULA

Exactly. Never fear, I’ll take care of these pranksters.

CHARLOTTE

No wait I wasn’t being serious Drac-

SFX: Screen door opening, shutting.

MUMMY

He’s so very horrible with sarcasm, you know this. 

CHARLOTTE

I have to hold out hope someday he’ll grow self-preservation
instincts.

DRACULA

(fake fear) Aaah! A bear! (chuckle) That’s a pretty good 

costume.

GEORGE

What’s goin’ on?

MUMMY

Our fearless host is dispatching some teenagers in a bear

costume out in the parking lot.

GEORGE

He can’t tell that’s an actual bear? You can smell it from here.

GRIFFIN

All I can smell is the garlic off this incredible hummus. 

CHARLOTTE

Do we warn him?

GEORGE

(loud) Hey Drac I hate to be the bearer of bad news-

GRIFFIN

Heh, bear-er.

GEORGE

That’s a real bear.

DRACULA

I had my suspicions…

SFX: The bear groans. 

GEORGE
Got any plans other than getting dangerously close to

a bear?

DRACULA

As the most powerful vampire in the world I hold sway over

the creatures of the night. Wild wolves count, and bears are

basically giant dogs so…

SFX: Theremin music kicks in as DRACULA attempts to hypnotise a bear.

DRACULA

Begone, foul beast, leave this cabin and never retur-

SFX: Bear growl, impact sound followed by glass breaking as DRACULA flies through a window next to GEORGE and GRIFFIN.

DRACULA

Wow. 

GRIFFIN

Those were some strong teens…

END OF PART ONE

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